The Legend of Zelda: A Boy and His Sword
by cantankerousChronologist
Summary: Link finds his way into a thieves' guild. Hilarity ensues.


An old man dressed in green sat in a rocking chair. A small group of children sat in a semicircle around him. Behind them was a warm fire, crackling in the fireplace.

"Tell us one of your adventure stories!" one of the children shouted.

The old man smiled. "Of course, little one."

Another child said, "Tell us the one about how you punched that guy in the face with your foot!"

"That's called kicking, stupid," said the child next to him.

"Now, now, children," the old man said. "I've got an even better story."

"What's it called?"

"A Boy and His Sword."

A long time ago there lived a young boy of twelve years. He wasn't very tall, maybe four feet. He lived alone in the wilderness. He always wore the same outfit: a green tunic, a belt, boots, and a silly green hat. He was a self-taught swordsman, and he wouldn't be caught dead without his sword and shield. Usually he kept to himself out in the woods, but he had run out of supplies. To remedy this situation, he had to go into town. Thirsty, he decided to stop by the local pub and get some milk. He sat down at the bar.

"Gimme some milk," he demanded.

The barkeep laughed. "Milk? Give me a break. This is a bar, kid."

The boy glared at him. "Give me some milk, asshole."

The barkeep rolled his eyes and handed the boy a large jar of milk.

As the boy picked up his milk, there was a crash. Turning around, he saw a waitress sprawled out on the floor with broken glass all around her. A very fat man was looming over her, laughing and kicking her. The boy got up and walked over to him.

"Hey."

The fat man looked at him. "What do you want, kid?"

"Leave her alone."

The fat man laughed at that. "Why don't you go home to your mommy kid?"

"Why don't you shut up?" came the boy's rather uncreative retort.

"What's your name kid?"

The boy stared daggers at the man. "Link," he replied.

The fat man punched Link in his face. Link unsheathed his sword and stabbed the fat man in his crotch. He screamed like a little girl, and then promptly fell over dead.

"Are you okay?" Link asked the girl.

"Fuck you," she said as she punched his groin.

"They haven't dropped yet, bitch!" Link yelled, as he cut off her head. "No wonder he was kicking you. Didn't your parents teach you any manners?"

Link walked over to the bar, grabbed his milk, and left.

The old man licked his lips and sat back in his chair.

"And that's how I saved Christmas," he said.

The children stared at him blankly.

"What?" he asked. "You still want more?"

One of the children stood up and bit the old man's nose.

"Yow!" he yelled.

The child said, "That was a stupid story!"

"It isn't done yet, you ungrateful little…"

"Then finish it!"

"Fine, fine." The old man cleared his throat. "As Link left his house, he was approached by a knight."

"Where do you think you're going, boy?" the knight asked.

"To the grocer, sir," Link relied innocently.

The knight eyed him suspiciously. "Then why do you have blood on your tunic?"

Link shrugged. "I just murdered a dude and a barmaid."

The knight's eyes went wild, and he unsheathed his sword. "You're under arrest!" he called.

Link immediately turned around and ran. He tried desperately to find a crowd to get lost in, but everyone cleared a path as he ran through. He jumped over benches, ran around corners, and eventually found himself in an alley. He could hear the knight behind him. Link scanned the small alley for something to hide behind. Eventually, he saw it: a young woman who looked to be in her mid 20's. She had short brunette hair and wore a plain yellow dress. Link smiled devilishly and ran behind her as the knight came into view.

"Mommy, that bad man is chasing me!" Link said.

"What?" the knight asked incredulously. "You told me you murdered two people!"

"See, mommy? He's making up lies! Like some sort of liar!"

The woman walked up to the knight, and slapped him. "How dare you accuse a child of murder."

The knight stood there for a second. "But… he told me."

She glared at him for a second.

"I must be going crazy," the knight said. "It's gotta be the heat. Maybe I can get the king to make us lighter armor."

As the knight walked away, the woman faced Link. "What's going on?" she asked.

Link shrugged. "Shit happens."

The woman slapped him. "Watch your language, kid."

Link stared at her, wide-eyed. "You slapped me."

"Go back to your parents, kid."

"I'm an orphan."

The woman smiled. "And I'm the leader of a thieves' guild. Congratulations, you're our newest member."

"Fuck me," Link said as the woman slapped him again.


End file.
